Are you familiar with this version of Groundhog Day?
You wake up, reach for your phone and scroll through the notifications you missed overnight. You grab coffee and rush around getting everyone out the door. Maybe you put on a work-appropriate top with your sweatpants for the first Zoom meeting of the day as you settle into your home office.
You have a hard time focusing on your work. You like it for the most part, but sometimes it feels like all you do is push paper, talk in circles and repeatedly say, “You’re on mute.” You take a walk after work and then cozy up to Netflix, which feels like a warm hug. You toss and turn in bed before reaching for your phone and scrolling through social media until 2 a.m.
Have you seen organizing TikTok? Trust me, stay away! The next day you wake up to rinse and repeat.
Nothing horrible happened in this scenario and in fact, there’s a lot to be thankful for. But you feel disconnected, and that makes it hard to feel grateful.
Many of us are operating in a state of disconnect. We’ve learned to psych ourselves up to deal with life’s mundane challenges; we’ve become experts at going through the motions even when our hearts and minds are elsewhere. We can cook a meal, keep in touch with friends and family, succeed in our work, all while mentally and emotionally feeling a little…meh.
“Meh” doesn’t mean depressed or burned out; you still can have hope and energy and be surrounded by good people. The technical term for “meh,” coined by sociologist Corey Keys and popularized by organizational psychologist Adam Grant, is languishing.
Keys defines languishing as “emptiness and stagnation, constituting a life of quiet despair.” The opposite of languishing is flourishing: living your best life.
How do you neutralize languishing?
According to Grant, we lean into flow. When I think of flow, I think of Yoga, Tai Chi or Martial Arts. But seeing as how I’ve had “find a yoga studio,” on my to-do list for over two years, I know that flow means something different for everyone.
For example, Grant found his flow through the video game Mario Kart and spoke about it on the TED stage. Grant’s theory is that flow should consist of 3 main characteristics: mastery, mindfulness, mattering.
Mastery is seeing small wins along the way and experiencing momentum. With mastery, you have a sense of progress and growth.
Mindfulness is seeing uninterrupted blocks of time as treasures and focusing our attention on the present moment to appreciate and experience our reality.
Mattering is how much value we see in the activity at hand. Playing Mario Kart with his family is what made it matter for Grant. For me, it’s when I’m writing or preparing a meal for my loved ones.
The moments of flow and these 3 m’s help open the door to flourishing.
Self-coaching questions to help you flourish
- What activities most engage you? You know you are engaged when you lose track of time and get completely swept up in what you are doing. What can you do to add more of these engaging activities into your day?
- Is there a period of your day where you could most easily eliminate distractions? For example, can you set aside an hour every morning to set a timer, put your phone on airplane mode, and focus on only one activity?
- Think of an example in your life when you slowly-but-surely improved at something. Maybe it was as simple as earning your pet’s trust despite setbacks or exploring a neighborhood in a new city. How did that experience enrich your life?
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